Lisa Argrette Ahmad
I am not a sociologist, therapist or member of the clergy. I have no formal training or expertise in conflict resolution, parenting, religious studies or anything else related for that matter other than that which I have garnered experiencing my life as it has unfolded before me.
I am a 48 year-old, stay-at-home mother living in the suburbs of New York City with my husband of 20 years and our three children. I grew up outside Washington, D.C., attended Wellesley College and Harvard Business School. Later I became an accomplished businesswoman and management consultant of strategy and marketing. That alone is pretty uninteresting fare for most. However, I have never ceased to be amazed at the curiosity of others in the origin and dynamics of my marriage. I suppose our story – the story of an African American, Christian woman and a Pakistani-American Muslim – is unusual, or unexpected. And, clearly it is compelling.
The writing started right after my father died suddenly. As grievers often do, I spent a lot of time questioning the meaning of life and God’s purpose for me on this earth. At the time, I was designing and manufacturing custom 22 karat jewelry but I set this work aside — considering it too meaningless for me to pursue. I quickly figured out that I did not want to be remembered for that work. As I searched my soul and passions for what I considered to be important work, I stumbled upon several journals I had kept over the years. There were many. It seemed I had always written: throughout my 20-year marriage, as a young adult, even as a teenager.
The writings about my married life intrigued me. Intercultural relationships with their special challenges and rewards was a topic I could talk with others about for days and was a life lesson I wanted to share with my children. Since I was still living the life I often described, it seemed best to use my journal entries to write a series of personal essays or stories – each tackling a discreet aspect of intercultural relationships – to share my personal insight and growth on the subject matter. Currently, I am assembling these mini-memoirs for a book — the book I wish I had read before marrying.
I am the author of a published narrative, On Hair, Westchester Review 2009 (publisher) and regularly participate in readings of my work and in forums (seminars, retreats, learning-based initiatives) where I speak on issues of diversity and intercultural relationships.
my personal story
If $500 per hour psychoanalytic sessions can be reduced to commercially viable reality television shows like In Treatment, surely the stories – and hopefully the lessons — of my 20-year intercultural marriage to a Pakistani-American, Muslim man will resonate with the general population. I am happy to share excerpts of them with you.
Some of my mini-memoirs are funny and others are painfully raw and sad but each is personal and unique to my experience. In total, each story reflects my individual insight and growth over time.
Excerpts of these stories, however, may read as angry rants or melancholy reflections with you as the reader not necessarily knowing our family’s resolution or the outcome of the story. Intended only to stimulate debate and conversation through my blog, I hope the excerpts are provocative and that readers find them compelling, that they recognize themselves in my characters, and that any commentary is productive in the current dynamic exchange around identity and culture.
I want to share my personal story because its subject matter is so timely. As a nation having just elected our first African-American president, we are eager to discuss our awareness and curiosity of identity and culture. As individuals, we are more comfortable than ever with the notion of a global community and multiculturalism. Yet we continue to struggle with issues of race and religion, immigration and language, and terrorism. Each of these issues challenge how we define ourselves and others and turn on its head the assumptions and expectations we each bring to our primary relationships.
Perhaps most importantly, I want to share my personal story because its subject matter passes the supermarket line test. That is, when standing in the check out line at the local Stop & Shop, I can easily engage a neighbor or the clerk in a conversation about intercultural relationships. So many people these days have a story to share of an intercultural relationship and how the couples have navigated successfully or not so successfully, the challenges of family given their cultural differences.
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